God has been talking to me a lot about labels lately and the ones put on me that I chose to wear, even unconsciencely.
I grew up without my father, like so many people today. He didn't want to be a dad and ran from the responsibility. I met him as a teenager but after 2 years he again didn't want that role, at least not in my life anyway. I had a stepfather but as a daughter he also rejected me. The label that put on me was unloved.
It was a lie I believed at a subconscious level for a long time. Not even aware how I would allow that label to affect all the relationships around me. I put up a lot of walls and would not allow people to be close to me or have a very genuine relationship with me because I saw myself as unloved, and therefore unlovable.
I also struggled with seeing value in my gifts. The world around me values highly organized people, strong in administration. The world around me values money and things and finds worth in these things. I however; am a dreamer. I struggle with organization, it's not something that had ever been a natural tendency for me no matter how hard I tried. My heart, my motivation has always been centered on people and relationship.
I still hear the criticism and judgement echo through my ears, people that want to go into social work or those fields are just messed up people themselves.
My heart and my worth felt attacked and I wore the label not good enough.
I didn't fit into what the world around me deemed as worthy, or of value.
It's ok to have a creative hobby, just know you will never go anywhere and get a practical job...
How ingrained was that lie? I denied so much of myself to desperately try to be that square peg that could fit a round hole.
So here is God, and He is telling me first let's acknowledge what those labels are, now let's start to let them go.
I was given a beautiful image of a small girl dancing through a meadow chasing a butterfly. She squeeled in delight, and there was joy in just watching her.
God impressed upon me how chasing that butterfly would give her a different journey than anyone else, that there was such beauty in her innocence. He also showed me that she could see things others couldn't and what an amazing gift that is.
No my gifting is not administration, I am not by nature a highly organized individual. I am however; creative. I see beauty in people and places where others may be inclined to walk on by. I see gifts in other people and my perspective is usually different from those around me. I lean more towards visionary. I question why things are done a certain way and am open to new experiences.
I spent years in management working so desperately to develop administrative skills and that label of what I did for a living was pealed off. The thing is I would go home and be so worn out from trying to fit somewhere that perhaps I never really belonged. I constantly felt like a failure, I couldn't understand how it seemed like everyone around me could keep it so together. Perhaps it was just that we had different giftings?
There are expectations in life I felt I needed to live up to though. At a certain point I should be at a certain level making at least a certain amount of money. I should be driving a certain car and living in a certain kind of home.
I allowed others opinions drive what I did. I refused to allow myself creative outlets, and if I secretly was using any kind of artistic expression, I hid it.
God is creative. He is the original creator, so why oh why would I want to hide something so valuable or refuse to grow in any gifts given to me by God?
My current journey is down a path as a photographer, and I am pretty darn good at it! No one knows about this blog yet but I do hope to develop my writing skills more if that is Gods will, and I taking up painting! It turns out I can support my family doing something creative afterall.
The real question is am I willing to turn to God for all my needs? Do I trust Him to guide and care for me? Do I have a bold enough faith to walk where He leads?
God wants nothing more than for me to be that child running through the meadow chasing a butterfly that only I can see, delighting in the Creators gifts to me. Trusting that He will guide and protect me.
DL Moody summarized Moses life by saying, Moses spent 40 years learning something, 40 years learning to be nothing, and his final 40 years proving God to be everything. I figure I'm not quite 40 yet so it's ok I'm not done learning yet. God still has a place and a plan for me, you too!
*while I don't expect there are many readers out there, if there are do you want to share what some of your labels are/were and how are you overcoming them?
